Saturday, May 17, 2008

Going 90° North

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I was too bored today, with this 'normal' hour working time and the next things I know is I ended up in KLCC. Haha, what the hell I'm doing here on my two hours prayer time break? I was wondering around, looking for an interesting stuff at every single store before I ended up in Kinokuniya. I went to the English literature section, looking for some cool book to read on or might be some books I can buy. My eyes attracted to this subfusc coloured book, the plato word of the middle year, The Republic.

I took and read the synopsis of the book before I found it really nice and I almost ended up buying that book (by swiping my credit card, again.. yeah, I admit this is the middle of the month and I only have less than rm30 in my wallet..) but then I decided to not buy it at this moment but only buying it during my pay day time. The books is nice actually, there's no picture inside it (quite boring rite..) but actually it's full of lessons, quote and the freedom of one group to rule the holy land, to win the war, to protect and many more. I read this famous quote somewhere but then I know it's Plato's quote, 'only the dead have seen the end of war'.

Yeah, in this world we have to 'fight' to survive. 'Fight' doesn't mean you have to kick somebody directly or punch directly on that person eyes, but to survive in this complicated society. breathe in, breathe out.. fuuhhhh.. I still remember my first battle to survive. Confidently I decided to earned my own money after I disqualified from my study and live my life here in KL, away from my parents. Haha, but worst become worst. I tried to survive on my own before then my only option is to ask some help from my my mom and dad. Friend is there but somehow to ask help from them is not a good option. Until when you have to depend on them? For sure you have heard this quoute 'friend is there on your joy moment. but no on there when you in a middle of sorrow'. I realize that when becomes to the things 'you own this but I don't'. So, to use the thing that not mine is the big mistakes I've done. I quite sad actually when someone I tought to be my friend is actually only the person that beside me during my happy moment.

So, with full of tears (Yes, I admit I cry). I call my mom and dad to confort me. I wish I can hug them and cry on, which they always do when I fail to achieved the things that I most wanted to. My dad said this precious words to me; 'when you tought that person is a friend, dare to accept that one day they will betrayed you' and mom said 'it is not by today or tomorrow when you can see that person true colours. It might takes 10 or 20 years to understood the heart of a friend'. I guess they are right. I decided to earned my things on my own. I decided to recover. Now, with my crazy job (which I love the most..), I've my own car, my own PC, my own PDA (which always be with me everywhere..) and I proud of it because I earned it on my own. Which is mean I survive the first battle. Now, to the second battle, which I think I never can win, is to find the rite person to love.

I always been hurt by the person I love. Always been love by the person I don't love. The sad thing here is through I try to choose the person who love me, still my heart belongs to the person who hurt me. My friend said that I've a look, sounds funny but the funniest thing is why the person that I want, that I wish to be with, never want to take a single sight to look at me? Might be because I don't have the sense to be love but at least, people out there, I still have a heart. Please, just love me and know how much I love you. Understood me, be with me. That's all I need. Don't hurt me and leave me alone to cry on my own in this middle empty room. I guess it's better to retreat and surrender to the second battle. I keep on saying that I'm happy. I keep on saying that person love me. But, until when to denied that I'm a love failure?

To that person I'm in love with, I think you know who you are. Even though I don't know what is your name or even your age, you're still the one who have change the way I look this world. I know compared to you, I don't dare to say I'm greater that you. I'm sorry because I have this strange feelings towards you. Damn! I love you so much.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

You’ll never walk alone ...

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Believe it? Or might be you have one good reason to denied it..

Actually, I've a good reason to believe it. It's actually Liverpool's theme, my favourite football club. You'll never walk alone. One reason to believe is because on the battle, you'll be with your friend, your team mate, not on your own, gaining everybody strength, to kick and bring the ball to the point (I mean goal post) and gaining victory. Haha. The joy and the fun together must be the sweetest memory to remember on.

But, sometime my heart showed that I'm denying it. Might be this is the middle age symptom, you'll felt that like you're alone with no body take care of you (or might be I keep on denying that I'm all alone. Haha) and you're left all alone at the end of the room, crying and feeling down only by yourself, like I always do. Totally, I don't think that anyone is care about am I having enough food to survive, money to buy this and that.. or what so ever, right?

Everyday I wish that I've at least one good friend. Just a friend to talk, to understand and to be with me when I'm in a hard situation. Might be you never can understand the feeling of being alone, without mom and dad to be on your side. I miss my mom and dad. To be with them at this moment is my ever wish. Yeah, I've to accept that my life is pathetic. I'm still my mom and dad little boy whom still depending on them, still wanna their care and love. I wish that I never made this choice to work and be apart from them. But, past is past, yesterday is yesterday. What ever happen yesterday is a process of learning to be matured this day and for a better tomorrow.

Mom and dad, I miss you so much.

P/s: I'm actually homesick.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Work and friend, which will win?

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I went to the office today with not much different as always. Just, today I use another taxi service (my favourite taxi is public cab but the didn't manage to assign a taxi). I reached the office as expected and I managed to preparing myself for today work soon before my shift started.

I was arranging my shift time and off day using Haq schedule (I know his password, hehe) when suddenly when I finished and refreshed the page, my schedule on week 5th May until 11th May suddenly change to off. Blank to the situation, I decided to refreshed again the page before whole of my schedule change to off. I remained silence to think what is the cause of the things before I then realize my schedule erased because I was selected for the FMCC project.

I was happy by then. Working at TM tower was my only dream. But, when I think about my colleague, Moni.. Leez, Saiful.. Fadhil.. then I realize that the fun will not joining me to the tower. We used to hangout every night and every month, laughing and make fun of each other. But, somehow I'm gonna missed that moment.

It's funny right. Some of our decision will hurt but it's actually for our own sake, to be success in the future.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

When Everythings Goes Wrong

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Ever wondered when you think all things in your life was just in a perfect planing but suddenly, without you realizing it and when you've planned all things perfectly, every single things that you've plan PERFECTLY just went wrong. And imagine if the things last for almost two day. Try to imagine, from 1-10, where's my stress level?

It's all started when I got the offer to work for HP. I then decided to go (if you're reading my previous blog, I decided not to attend the interview) and I kept on imagining my future salary which about reached rm3k. I smile on my bed, imagining to buy this car, to buy that furniture, to buy this stuff almost all night long. And as a result, I woke up at 11am and miss the appointment which was schedule about 10am. Silly me. my friend keep calling but I ignoring the call. Then, I decided to not to accept the offer and just go for the government interview, or just stick with the offer of working with TM.

Yus wake me up and ask me to go with him to look for the cheapest scientific thingy (they called it calculator) and I decided to take a passport size shot. We walk inside Giant kelana jaya, from one end to another end, from the first level until the uppermost level. But couldn't find the exact shop that have the shot services. Meanwhile, I kept on checking my pay (which was schedule one day earlier..) but, all I on my account balance is only rm7.69. I almost memorize the ammount as that moment I keep on checking and waiting when will my pay credited in my account.

We then decided to go to somewhere near the KFC shoplot in Kelana Jaya. I, again checking my account balance but the ammount showed on the screen is still the same. I've been thinking of taking the future from Mr Visa (Ninut named it) but seems the loan I took last month still I didn't clear it. We go to Ayamas Shop and I stand looking the delicious food but I only can imagine I'm eating it. Yeah, in my wallet I only got rm5 after deducted from rm15 that I've to pay for the shot. Hmm, thank God that the shot was nice, even thought I didn't really expect it will be good as that.

I check again my account balance, still the same.

Berd called by then, asking to accompany him to look for 'Jalan Rahim Kajai' at old Rasta area. We decided to go and before that, I met Leen and Sasha at Tiara Kelana Condo Restaurant (Is it?). I decided to skip my lunch as I don't have much money left to eat. Beside, I keep on imagining that my pay will be today, at least at 9pm.

After Jalan Abdul Rahim, we directed to Phileo to get something before ended up in IKEA. I'm dreaming of buying this thing and that. Decorating my room with this stuff and designing with that stuff. I check my account again, and damn! The balance still the same. Then I go to my home to pick some stuff and then go to Shah Alam for some non-related stuff.

After Shah Alam, went to berd house before going to Puchong and ended up in Kelana Jaya. I duplicated my certificate as a preparation for tomorrow interview as the person throwing my IC inside the trash. I almost scream to the stupid guy but he managed to cool me down. I then realize that I forgot to print my resume. From KJ to Crimson, looking for CC that have printing services to print out my resume. Luckily, many CC still open, but they don't have the printing services. I and Yus walked around KJ area and we ended up in Crimson but ended up getting nothing as a result. We decided to went home and when about to reached Yus house, there's a dog suddenly running directly to us and we've attacted by that stupid dog. I never can imagine how stupid of the dog owner that left his gate open so that his stupid dog keep on runing an chasing every single person that passed by his house.

Finally, we reached home and I continue preparing myself for the interview while waiting for the taxi to pick me up before I realize that my neck-tie was missing. I looked inside my pack but I think I left it at home. Then, I started to felt like I don't wanna go to the interview because that stupid taxi didn't showed up. I called the taxi services at 6.00am and that lady promise to assign the taxi as soon as possible. I waited for almost 2 hours before she called and as if I still need the taxi. I've called another taxi services but seems no taxi want to bring me to Putrajaya. Where's that taxi driver that want extra money for long distance pay? I really sad actually, because I've ask mom to loan me some money to go for the interview, but I didn't go. I know my dad hoping I get the job but what can I do. I just can't go there.

I ended my day, with almost 24 hours non-sleep time with a full of happiness. I kept on smiling the day I faced, but I felt so sorry to my mommy and dad because I didn't show up for the interview.

Well, just wish me luck for my career in TM.

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