Saturday, May 17, 2008

Going 90° North

I was too bored today, with this 'normal' hour working time and the next things I know is I ended up in KLCC. Haha, what the hell I'm doing here on my two hours prayer time break? I was wondering around, looking for an interesting stuff at every single store before I ended up in Kinokuniya. I went to the English literature section, looking for some cool book to read on or might be some books I can buy. My eyes attracted to this subfusc coloured book, the plato word of the middle year, The Republic.

I took and read the synopsis of the book before I found it really nice and I almost ended up buying that book (by swiping my credit card, again.. yeah, I admit this is the middle of the month and I only have less than rm30 in my wallet..) but then I decided to not buy it at this moment but only buying it during my pay day time. The books is nice actually, there's no picture inside it (quite boring rite..) but actually it's full of lessons, quote and the freedom of one group to rule the holy land, to win the war, to protect and many more. I read this famous quote somewhere but then I know it's Plato's quote, 'only the dead have seen the end of war'.

Yeah, in this world we have to 'fight' to survive. 'Fight' doesn't mean you have to kick somebody directly or punch directly on that person eyes, but to survive in this complicated society. breathe in, breathe out.. fuuhhhh.. I still remember my first battle to survive. Confidently I decided to earned my own money after I disqualified from my study and live my life here in KL, away from my parents. Haha, but worst become worst. I tried to survive on my own before then my only option is to ask some help from my my mom and dad. Friend is there but somehow to ask help from them is not a good option. Until when you have to depend on them? For sure you have heard this quoute 'friend is there on your joy moment. but no on there when you in a middle of sorrow'. I realize that when becomes to the things 'you own this but I don't'. So, to use the thing that not mine is the big mistakes I've done. I quite sad actually when someone I tought to be my friend is actually only the person that beside me during my happy moment.

So, with full of tears (Yes, I admit I cry). I call my mom and dad to confort me. I wish I can hug them and cry on, which they always do when I fail to achieved the things that I most wanted to. My dad said this precious words to me; 'when you tought that person is a friend, dare to accept that one day they will betrayed you' and mom said 'it is not by today or tomorrow when you can see that person true colours. It might takes 10 or 20 years to understood the heart of a friend'. I guess they are right. I decided to earned my things on my own. I decided to recover. Now, with my crazy job (which I love the most..), I've my own car, my own PC, my own PDA (which always be with me everywhere..) and I proud of it because I earned it on my own. Which is mean I survive the first battle. Now, to the second battle, which I think I never can win, is to find the rite person to love.

I always been hurt by the person I love. Always been love by the person I don't love. The sad thing here is through I try to choose the person who love me, still my heart belongs to the person who hurt me. My friend said that I've a look, sounds funny but the funniest thing is why the person that I want, that I wish to be with, never want to take a single sight to look at me? Might be because I don't have the sense to be love but at least, people out there, I still have a heart. Please, just love me and know how much I love you. Understood me, be with me. That's all I need. Don't hurt me and leave me alone to cry on my own in this middle empty room. I guess it's better to retreat and surrender to the second battle. I keep on saying that I'm happy. I keep on saying that person love me. But, until when to denied that I'm a love failure?

To that person I'm in love with, I think you know who you are. Even though I don't know what is your name or even your age, you're still the one who have change the way I look this world. I know compared to you, I don't dare to say I'm greater that you. I'm sorry because I have this strange feelings towards you. Damn! I love you so much.

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